Thursday, July 18, 2013

Day v. Night

My weekdays are pretty much filled with work. I spend a lot of time in front of a computer trying to help veterans find jobs or a school to go to or even information on benefits available. Sometimes the days go rather quickly. Other times, not so much! By 4 pm I am so ready to go home and tend to watch the clock for about an hour. Yesterday, by the time 3pm rolled around it felt like 4 pm. That's how slow the day was for me.

When I get home in the evening, I tend to throw on the tele and my laptop. It's my wind-down time. And it is also the time of day when I am in my mind the most. I have a problem with daydreaming, fantasizing, scrutinizing, and irrationalizing my life and sometimes my mere existence. I have my cats. They are 50/50 in how they keep my stress level under control. When they get under my skin the most is when I am having an extremely off day or they want some serious attention and go about it wrong. That's when they get stepped on or I trip over them, lol! I do love my kitter kats!!

Abu and Sandy

I am especially vulnerable at night with my mind go over all of the things I want to do, people I want to see, hopes and dreams for my future, and loneliness. The loneliness can be deafening at times! I try to keep my mind occupied, hence the laptop. I play stupid games on Facebook (Bubble Safari Ocean, Western Story, etc). I have my cross stitch, when I am in the mood or motivated. I have Bible Study and my Bible. I pray! Lord do I ever pray anymore!! I don't think I am all that good at it because I seem to be asking the same thing over and over again:

Are we really meant to be together? Is it Your will for us to be together? I know he loves me. He tells me as much. I love him with all my heart.

I know I shouldn't worry about things that are not in my control and spend more time on getting my finances in order. The man I refer to in the above prayer is someone I have loved for more than 18 years! And the distance between us is (not literally) killing me!! I would do anything for this man, but for the fact that I need a commitment. I can't rationalize moving my entire existence 900+ miles away not knowing anyone but him. Lord knows, if it were even 10 years ago, I would have done it in less than a heartbeat. Alas, I am older and hopefully wiser.

I pity party for me. I chose to follow the paths I have followed and they lead me to where I am in my life right now. Would I change it if I could? Not a chance! That would mean I have regrets and I truly try to live without regret. Now I only try to live more as God would want me to live. I try to remember to watch what I say. I don't gossip. I am trying to get healthier. In God's time...

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