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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Life and such

There are times when I just want to run away; far far away. 
I can't hide under a rock,
or in a lake,
or on a boat,
or in my home.
The world just seems to find me no matter what.

There are times when I just want to escape it all.
I turn to my God,
I turn to my friends,
I turn to my family,
but never myself.
Life just seems to crash all around.

*****

I have been wanting to run away from myself for so long it's almost an addiction. Every time I try to do something to improve my life situation, something seems to send me on a detour. At times, even on a collision course. At the age of 41, I never thought I would be this alone. I have made mistakes in my life; little ones and huge. We all make mistakes. Unfortunately, many of the mistakes I have made have caused me to lose myself. I am at a point in my life where I need to figure out who Julie is. I need to figure out what values Julie holds. What's most important to her? What can she let go of and still be happy? What truly makes Julie happy? These are questions I ask myself and get asked whether by friends, family, or therapist.

I find myself in an emotional dilemma that I am not sure how to handle. I am completely in love with a man whom I have known for years. At the same time, I am attracted to another man whom I have known only a few months. One lives quite a distance, the other is close. I know myself enough to know that I am aggressive and tend to go after what I want in relationships. I have never really learned to take things slowly...and this is painful for me. I was asked today (in therapy) "What do you want?". The only answer I came up with at the time was a man who truly loves me and wants to be with me in a long-term, committed relationship. I want a lifetime with one man. It's something I have wanted for several years now. At times, the emotion is so strong it's as if it's desperation.

Then I look at myself and say "When did I become this person?".

I think I am somewhat starved for attention. Affection. Love. Desire. I want a man to desire me. Is it so wrong? I don't want to live in a fairy tale. I don't want a knight in shining armor. I just want to be loved. To be treated like a "queen" (for lack of a better term, lol). To be the woman he cherishes, loves, respects, adores. The woman he can't wait to come home to each night. I really don't think it's too much to ask. You see, I know how to give my mate affirmation. I know how to show love and appreciation. I know how to respect him.

I am too old for games. I am too old for players. I am sick and tired of men finding themselves attracted to me who do NOT want to commit. Men who don't want to get married ever again. They feel this way because of women who have mistreated them in the past. I am disgusted with the way of the world and the women who destroy a man's ability to truly open his heart to love.


4 comments:

Andrea Holme said...

Julie, I could have written your post - especially the part about figuring out who you are. I spent the better part of the spring trying to figure that out, but I got hung up on trying to be the person I used to be. But I can't be her anymore. I do find that some of my favorite parts of who I used to be are coming back slowly, mixing in with the skills and the strength I've learned, combining to make who I am today. I think happiness comes slowly when we begin to be at peace with what we have and who we are at this moment.

Jules said...

Thanks Andrea! I know I have a ways to go as I work through all of this junk.

Catherine said...

Hugs....

Jules said...

Thanks Catherine!