I have been dealing with this illness for many years now. I’ve always been as open as possible with family and friends when it comes to my illness, but there are times when I just want to hide it away and act as if it doesn’t exist. Lately, I have been going through a terrible spell with depression. It’s obvious to those around me that something is not quite right. Life has dealt me blows through the years and I have been able to bury the emotional pain away. It has come to a point in my life where I can no longer bury it; I have to DEAL!
I used to think that my depression was more of a situational thing. You know, something bad happens, you get sad, you move on. I realize more than ever that I have methodically withdrawn from my life. I would make excuses as to why I couldn’t go out with friends or why I shouldn’t be in a relationship with a man or whatever. At first it was that I was going to school and my studies were more important. Then it became the major move I made in my life from Michigan to Florida. Of course, I went on to graduate school so that meant more isolation.
I finished that degree in 2010. I found myself feeling lonely and bored. I still didn’t really want to date anyone, yet longed to be in a relationship. I can’t quite explain that one! I don’t like dating sites or bars. I would much rather meet someone through a mutual friend. Better yet, I would love nothing more than to rekindle the old flame with the love of my life. I recently had this opportunity and it just wasn’t there. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he will always be a great friend in my life and I will always have a special love for him. I just know that I need more than he is willing to give right now. And I don’t think I can wait around, nor do I want to, for him to decide he can. The great thing about our friendship is that I completely respect him; more than he knows. But, I digress…
Depression is a difficult illness to navigate. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to scream because the emotional pain gets to be too much to handle. Other times, I just hide myself away from the world. I take medications. I keep this blog. I have a journal that I also write in (things that I don’t want to share with the world). I find myself wanting to get into the Word more and more. I am trying to find myself again. I am trying to become the best me I can possibly be.
Did you know that some of the greatest minds suffered from depression? Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, and Isaac Newton are just a few.